Well, enjoy the fantasy because this is the new normal.

“The pace of change in our world is speeding up,” said Lester Brown, founder of Worldwatch, “accelerating to the point where it threatens to overwhelm the management capacity of political leaders.”  And he said it back in 1996.

More recently, the 2010 IBM Global CEO Study reported: “Today’s complexity is only expected to rise, and more than half of CEOs doubt their ability to manage it. Seventy-nine percent of CEOs anticipate even greater complexity ahead.”

THE PARADOX

This leaves our psyches caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, many of our conventions and belief systems remain rooted in the industrial age– command and control leadership and either-or, linear thinking.

On the other hand (in the developed world at least), we’ve got retailers offering same-day delivery services, phone apps minimizing the wait for a cab or a date, and movies and TV shows streaming in seconds. We’ve gotten used to a life of comfort, convenience and instant gratification, and we’re thrown off guard when there’s the slightest delay, much less hardship.

So here we are, in a growing culture of impatience, facing increasing complexity and uncertainty with “old-world” thinking – not a friendly combo! Take that dichotomy to the workplace and winging our mental preparation just won’t cut it: if we want to maintain high performance and competitiveness, training our minds to be “mentally tough” will become more important than ever.

DEVELOPING YOUR Mental REPERTOIRE

I don’t mean, by the way, the stereotypical image of mental toughness — some steel-jawed guy gutting it out with sheer brute force or stoicism.

Rather, it’s more like a broad spectrum of mental capabilities that allow a person to adapt and excel in diverse circumstances. Certainly, there are the usual suspects: perseverance, self-confidence, courage and focus. But the repertoire of mental toughness also includes curiosity, agility, imagination to see beyond the current reality – and the meta-ability to learn and master new ways of thinking.

MENTAL TOUGHNESS IN LEADERSHIP

So leaders who want to expand their management capacity need to train themselves to think differently. What does that mean exactly? In my recent Mental Toughness Summit, I interviewed 11 experts on mental toughness in leadership, and these were the recurring themes – the modes of thinking — that emerged:

Adopt a stance of “not-knowing.”

In the traditional command-and-control leadership style, the leader has all the answers. Even faced with limitless amounts of information, some are attempting to keep up the ruse. Give it up.

“Not-knowing” is not to be confused with being ignorant. In fact, Les McKeown, advisor to dozens of founder/owners and CEOs, says: “I’ve noticed an interesting pattern: The weaker the leader, the more they know….strong leaders know they can’t–and shouldn’t–know everything about their business,” and they build strong teams that they can trust.

In a larger sense, operating from a stance of “not-knowing” means being truly open-minded, listening without automatic judgment or simply to confirm what you already believe.

Do You QuantumThink? author Dianne Collins explains: “Suppose you are having a “problem” with John, a team member who, in your assessment, has a negative attitude and is slowing down the accomplishment of an important business project. If you are attempting to change John’s negative attitude, by definition you are already relating to him as if he “is” negative – thereby keeping “negative attitude” in place. If you can relate to John as enthusiastic, creative, and effective, you open the possibility of leaping to a new and vitalizing Intent (i.e., a different context) with your relationship with John.”

Imagine the possibilities that would open to you if everything you thought as fixed were actually fluid.

Develop a growth mindset.

One of the critical aspects of mental toughness is the ability to learn and grow from failure. Thing is, leaders who have what Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset, believe their basic qualities, like intelligence or talent, are fixed traits (there’s that “f” word again). They see failure as a reflection of their ability so failing means that they inherently don’t have the ability – so they give up.

With a growth mindset, however, you believe that your most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point – and you will view failure as an opportunity to learn, and effort as a path to mastery.

Motivational psychologist Heidi Halvorson explains: It’s the difference between thinking, “I don’t know how to do this,” and “I don’t know how to do this yet.”

Give up resistance.

One of the hardest parts about adversity is not actually the hardship itself but the resistance to accepting that it’s there to begin with. That’s right, grasshopper. Appreciate constraints. Embrace the suck, welcome the struggle.

As Leadership and the Art of Struggle author Steven Snyder points out: “When you say, “Yeah, I don’t know everything and there’s a lot to learn and if I could be open to it then I will be so much better off because I can embrace this as opposed to fighting it.”

This simple shift in perspective can refuel your motivation and grit – without the circumstances changing.

Control your focus.

Where you place your attention determines how you experience life. You probably know that. But are you consciously paying attention – or just reacting?

In these times of extreme distraction, that’s critical  – having the ability to focus your attention as easily as you would direct the beam of a flashlight, even under duress or intense emotion.

What’s more, psychology is showing us that there are a number of ways to frame focus: narrow vs open; prevention vs promotion; process vs outcome. Being able to distinguish and toggle between them at will is what will give you a sense of control and mastery in the face of growing complexity and uncertainty.

That’s where practice and training comes in. In fact, becoming fluent in these various modes of thinking will set the foundation for a mental toughness mindset – and set yourself up for success.

Peak Performance Strategist Renita Kalhorn to Present Free Online “Mental Toughness Summit”

Virtual Telesummit to Highlight “Mental Toughness in Leadership” Held April 29 – May 3 With Speakers Dianne Collins, Brent Gleeson, Les McKeown and Other Thought-Leaders.

NEW YORK, N.Y. Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Mental Toughness Telesummit, a free online event to be held April 29 – May 3, brings together bestselling authors, behavioral psychologists, Navy SEAL combat veterans and start-up entrepreneurs to show how leaders can develop mental toughness and perform better under pressure. Participants can register at http://www.mentaltoughnesstelesummit.com

The five-day telesummit will be hosted by performance strategist Renita Kalhorn, a Juilliard-trained concert pianist and martial arts black belt. Spurred by the belief that everyone – from high-profile CEOs and executives to start-up entrepreneurs and sports team captains – can develop mental toughness, she was inspired to bring together the visionaries and role models she most admires as cutting-edge thinkers on mental toughness and other aspects of this crucial leadership skill.

Headline speakers include Les McKeown, Inc columnist and author of Predictable Success, Whitney Johnson, author of Dare, Dream, Do: Remarkable Things Happen When You Dare to Dream, and Dr. Todd Kashdan, author of Curious? Discover The Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. The Summit roster also includes Dianne Collins, one of America’s leading new-world thinkers; Brent Gleeson, former Navy SEAL and combat veteran, and Amos Winbush III, founder of CyberSynchs. The unique summit will give live, free access to speakers sharing practical, actionable information on how to sustain perseverance and passion and lead others through failure, adversity and plateaus.

“Today’s global leaders face unprecedented levels of uncertainty and complexity and they need the same psychological readiness as an athlete does,” says Kalhorn. “More than knowledge, talent or skill, it’s the ability to handle relentless pressure and stress of competition, fatigue and adversity that will ensure success.”

Summit topics will cover the mindset and habits of mental toughness, including team-building, risk-taking, decision-making, quantum principles and staying bulletproof under pressure.

For details and to register for this free event, go to http://www.mentaltoughnesstelesummit.com

About Renita Kalhorn

A Juilliard-trained concert pianist with a martial arts black belt and an MBA, Renita Kalhorn helps entrepreneurs and executives navigate the pressures of fast growth. Renita has delivered leadership and development programs in the U.S. and Asia for Fortune 500 clients such as Deutsche Bank, Pfizer and Time Warner, as well as mental toughness training to executive teams and the Navy SEALs RDAC.

###

CONTACT INFORMATION:

Renita Kalhorn

mail@mentaltoughnesstelesummit.com

646.216.9875

To add insult to injury, it seems as if everyone — everyone! — you talk to is on fire, signing big deals, making partner or being featured in Fast Company.

If you asked him, martial artist Bruce Lee would say: “There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”

Hmph. Clearly, he doesn’t get it. You don’t have time for a plateau right now. You have people – customers, investors, lenders, partners — breathing down your neck and threatening you with unpleasant consequences. You need to make something happen.

Unfortunately, all you’re going to get from Bruce is an impassive stare and a view of his back as he walks away.

So here’s the answer: if you can’t change your circumstances, you need to change the way you think about the circumstances. (I know, probably not the answer you wanted.)

But humor me: grab a pen and piece of paper, this three-step “Perspective Re-set” will take less than 20 minutes and is guaranteed to rekindle motivation (do it alone or as a team).

1. Make a “Things I’ve (We’ve) Done” list.

You’ve probably noticed that, as a species, humans are predisposed to notice the negative. No matter where we are in life, we tend to focus on how long it’s taking to get “over there,” where we want to go – totally discounting how far we’ve come.

So Step 1 is to acknowledge what you’ve done: the clients you do have, the development progress you have made, the sales/traffic you do have. This helps you regain your equilibrium and reaffirm that you haven’t been doing nothing.

2. Make a “Things I (We) Haven’t Tried Yet” list.

Even though it may feel like you’ve done absolutely everything possible, inevitably there are new angles you haven’t explored, people you haven’t contacted. Making a list of these can actually be encouraging because it helps you see that there are still things that you can do to impact your results.

Then, rather than trying to do them all: choose one that has the highest potential impact.

3. Expand your idea of what’s possible.

It’s easy to view other people’s success and think it was a smooth ride. Not surprisingly, comparing ourselves with others when we’re already feeling inadequate spirals down into negativity and feeling like “it’s never gonna happen.”

The way to nip this in the bud is to cultivate Possibility Thinking – to go beyond the current reality and stretch your belief of what’s possible. How? Jump on Google or Youtube and actively look for examples where people achieved success in the face of great odds or made a serendipitous out-of-nowhere connection.

Most recently, I marveled at the story (posted on Facebook) of Jack Andraka, a 15-year-old high school sophomore who created a a new diagnostic test for pancreatic cancer that is 28 times faster, 26,000 times less expensive and over 100 times more sensitive than the current diagnostic tests. With it, he won first prize and $100,000 at the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair, as well as a chance to give a TED talk and meet President Obama at the White House.

This stretches the realm of possibility on multiple levels — with only 15 years of life experience, Jack persevered through 199 rejections from research labs, without a giant team or billions of dollars in resources to make a groundbreaking advancement in medicine.

Immerse your mind with stories and references like this on a regular basis and they will become the new normal.

Working through these three steps will give you a more balanced perspective and stoke your inner fire. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

When it comes to elephants, we get it – there’s no way we can eat one all at once. When it comes to our own goals however, we tend toward an all-or-nothing approach.

(Which explains Blue Monday, a theory by psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall, who came up with a mathematical formula determining that the third Monday of the year is statistically the saddest day of the year.

Makes sense: it’s about the three-week point that the zeal for your life-changing “this year will be different” new year’s resolutions starts to fade and the realization of what it’s going to take sinks in.)

Set Yourself Up For Success

For sure, big goals are more compelling. Like Four-Hour Workweek author Tim Ferriss says, “Having an unusually large goal is an adrenaline infusion that provides the endurance to overcome the inevitable trials and tribulations that go along with any goal.”

The best way to get the big win, however, is to start small: modest, consistent progress almost always trumps all-out, dramatic efforts. Starting small sets you up for success (there’s nothing that says you can’t scale up as you acclimate!).

Here are three ways to start small:

MICRO-GOALS

Inevitably, all-or-nothing thinking – which, by definition, means going from 0 to 100 — creates inertia. Breaking a big goal up into micro-goals may mean less bragging rights (sorry, Ego!) but it busts through the wall of inertia. Once you start taking small steps, momentum kicks in and it actually becomes easier to keep moving forward than to stop.

At BUD/s training, Navy SEAL candidates are taught to “segment” –  rather than thinking about how they’re going to get through the next five days of Hell Week, to focus on the micro-goal of getting to the next meal, the next evolution.

Former SEAL Commander Mark Divine says: “When we set our sights on micro-goals, we achieve micro-wins, which quickly stack up and develop a sense of momentum and “can-do” instead of “can’t – won’t.”

Micro-goals work  in a crisis too. Jeff Wise, author of Extreme Fear, says: “If you’re bogged down in a massive project at work, then, don’t let yourself despair at the hugeness of the task. Break it down into pieces small enough that you can do each one in an hour or less, and focus all your attention exclusively on that.”

MICRO-PRACTICE

Anyone who’s intent on mastering a skill may scoff at the value of practicing only five minutes. But Daniel Coyle, author of The Talent Code, says: “When you practice a little each day, skills don’t erode. In fact, they consolidate. It’s like a bank account earning compound interest: a virtuous spiral where skill accrues quickly.”

This is exactly what my violinist sister found as she was counting down the last three months before returning to her post at the Paris Opera after several years focused on raising her children. By practicing every day – even if only for 15 minutes – she showed up at the first rehearsal feeling confident and in control.

MICRO-CISING

And, finally, for everyone who says they don’t have time to exercise, former Navy SEAL Phil Black and founder of FitDeck, is on a mission to change that with micro-cising. “Basically, he says, “whenever I found myself waiting for someone or something, I started microcising. It didn’t matter what I was wearing, there was no sweating involved, and no exercise took more than 10-20 seconds at a time.”

Check out this example of how he found hidden pockets of time to exercise while the eggs are boiling, a TV commercial is playing and his kids are putting on their soccer cleats.

How can you micro-cize your thinking?

In October 1911, two teams of adventurers were heading separate expeditions toward the South Pole – one led by Roald Amundsen from Norway and the other by Robert Falcon Scott of England.

Amundsen adhered to a regimen of consistent progress, traveling 15 – 20 miles per day, resisting the temptation to go farther in good weather, in order to avoid reaching a point of exhaustion that could leave his team exposed, and pressing ahead even in nasty weather to stay on pace. Even when they were only 45 miles away from the South Pole — with splendid weather, the ability to reach the pole in one 24-hour push, not to mention the threat hanging over his head of Scott reaching there first – what did Amundsen do? He went 17 miles.

Scott, on the other hand, would sometimes drive his team to exhaustion on good days and then sit in his tent and complain about the weather on bad days. (According to Roland Huntford’s account in The Last Place on Earth, Scott faced six days of gale-force winds and traveled on none, whereas Amundsen faced 15 and traveled on eight.)

Amundsen’s disciplined approach turned out to be critical not only to his success but to his survival: he and his men emerged victorious, clocking in at the South Pole right on pace, averaging 15.5 miles per day. Scott and his team discovered the flag Amundsen had posted there when they reached the Pole 34 days later. Having to turn around in bitter disappointment, they perished on the way home from a combination of exhaustion, starvation and extreme cold.

THE 20-YEAR MARCH

Citing the parallel paths and dramatically different attitudes of Amundsen and Scott as an example in their fascinating book Great by Choice, Jim Collins and Morten Hansen detail the results of nine years of research into why “10X companies” — companies that beat their industry index by at least 10 times over the course of three decades — are able to create exceptional outcomes despite chaos and uncertainty.

One of the key leadership traits they identified at the set of exemplary companies they examined, was a “fanatic discipline” – the ability to establish consistent action in line with a core value, method or standard over long periods of time.

In establishing what Collins and Hansen dubbed “The 20-Year March,” the leaders of these companies established two kinds of self-imposed discomfort: 1) an unwavering commitment to high performance in difficult conditions; and 2) the restraint to hold back in good conditions.

Southwest Airlines, for example, was able to generate a profit every year for 30 years — despite an environment rife with high-profile bankruptcies, deregulation, fuel shocks, union strikes, and terrorist attacks. At the same time, CEO Herb Kelleher resisted the lure of fast expansion in good times, even if it meant leaving growth on the table: In 1996, Southwest had demand for service from 100 US cities but expanded to only four – how many companies have the self-restraint to stick to the plan in the face of seemingly easy opportunity?

As CEO of Progressive Insurance in the late 1990s, Peter Lewis faced a seemingly irrational Wall Street driving the stock price up and down. He decided to stop playing the “I’ll tell you what we’ll earn and you’ll predict what we’ll earn” game that most companies play with analysts on a quarterly basis and — in a revolutionary move of self-imposed accountability — became the first SEC-listed company to publish financial statements on a monthly basis.

And though Paul O’Neill wasn’t specifically focused on the bottom line when he became CEO of Alcoa in 1987 and famously declared workplace safety as the company’s number-one priority, by the time he retired in 2000, the company’s annual net income was five times larger than when he arrived – its market cap had risen by $27 billion and the company’s worker injury rate had fallen to one-twentieth the U.S. average.

CONSISTENT IS BORING

The thing is, consistency is predictable and therefore boring. Our egos crave the adrenaline rush, the drama, the roar of the crowd that comes with an unexpected or breakout effort.

As Scott fatally discovered, however, the recovery required after making the big surge often knocks out the advantage gained. (You see this in sales all the time – the top producer with record-breaking numbers one month is crawling along the bottom the next.)

Constant switching between different strategies or programs – think of the people who jump around between every diet and exercise trend — kills momentum and motivation. It takes exceptional discipline to adhere to the game plan, to not give into emotion, and to resist the pressure to conform, to follow the herd or pull ahead of the competition.

Former Navy SEAL Commander Mark Divine, who provides hard-core physical training at his SEALFIT camps, tells the boot camp version of Aesop’s fable of the tortoise and the hare. In a 1000-push-up challenge, most of the guys, typically 20 years younger than him, start out at breakneck speed, cranking out 60 push-ups at a time. They can’t maintain the pace, however, and soon they’re slowing down to 40, then 20, then 10… Meanwhile, Commander Divine starts off with a controlled, steady pace, taking a deep breath every five push-ups and, inevitably, overtakes the others to win.

The ability to take consistent and disciplined action – setting a pace that is sustainable over the long haul – yields undeniable advantages:

• instilling confidence in your ability to continue in the face of adversity
• creating a sense of control in chaotic environments
• ensuring that everyone knows the markers and their importance
• building momentum that produces exponential results

Consistent company performance starts with disciplined leaders and teams. Like a muscle, you can only develop discipline by exercising it: whether you’re in sales knocking out 50 cold calls every week, a marathoner sticking to a pre-determined pace, a football coach making sure your players train in all kinds of weather and conditions, or the principal of a charter school making top literacy scores your number-one priority.

What is one area where you could improve consistency to create your own 10X results?

That’s our minds on social media.

As I mentioned in my previous post, Are You Missing Out?, there’s no question that social media has created exciting opportunities for us to connect, stay informed and build community.

At the same time, it’s being integrated into our lives so insidiously seamlessly that most of us haven’t thought to come up with strategies for using it in a balanced, conscious way. It’s starting to take a noticeable toll on our productivity and emotional wellbeing.

DON’T BLAME THE MESSENGER

Social media isn’t inherently good or bad: like any tool, it simply depends on how we use it. Here are some practical tips for training yourself to use it in a more mindful – i.e. conscious and aware — way:

1. Resist the siren call.

In Greek mythology, the Sirens were dangerous and devious creatures, portrayed as femmes fatales who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island.

Social media does the same. It calls out to us with the lure of instant emotional gratification (which makes it ideal for avoiding our to-do list): Someone might have posted a funny video! Or commented on my post! Or “liked” my comment on their post!

Ulysses had his men tie him to the mast so that he could not jump into the sea. Jordan Cooper, founder of Hyperpublic, says: “Everytime I have the seemingly physiological impulse to reach into my pocket and pull out my phone to check one of these attention routing services, I have trained myself to holster the iPhone, and then spend that moment focused on one of the many line items with a red circle that indicates “in need of more.” 

How can you set yourself up for success in resisting that “seemingly physiological impulse”?

2. Resist the “tweet and walk.”

In 2012, Pew Research found that 55 percent of adult cell phone users access the Internet on their devices. With the growing prevalence of mobile apps making it easier to access your online accounts from anywhere, it may soon be impossible to make eye contact with anyone while out and about.

The irony of frequently signing on to be sure you don’t miss out anything is that you’re likely to miss a real-time opportunity right in front of you. As much as possible, limit your social media access to when you’re at a computer.

3. Set boundaries.

For better or worse, information is food for your brain. And just as you feel sluggish when you overeat, unfiltered ingestion of social media – due not only to the sheer volume of information but the emotional fallout associated with it — can leave your psyche feeling bruised and overwhelmed.

Here’s a revolutionary idea: Set limits on when and how often you access social media — either certain times of the day or a maximum number of sessions per day — and establish a time limit for each session (set a timer to keep yourself honest!). Be realistic, however, and set yourself up for success: initially, at least, make your limits approximate to what you’re already doing. This is more about conscious usage than it is about cutting down.

4. Set an intention.

Before each session, set a simple “micro-goal.” Whether it’s to find something useful to retweet or share, to make a new connection or to find inspiration, having a clear intention raises your antenna and leads to feeling purposeful rather than aimless and reactive.

5. Check for shallow breathing.

Deep inside our brain is an almond-shaped region called the amygdala, and its job is to trigger the fight-or-flight response when it perceives a threat to our survival. The amygdala, however, is not the rational, thinking part of the brain and sets off a lot of false alarms.

In fact, it might very well interpret shallow breathing – something that happens when we feel insulted, angry or upset, i.e. when we’re on social media — as a threat. So check in regularly with your breath and train yourself to inhale deeply with each click.

Although none of these suggestions require dramatic changes in your routine, they do require something a little elusive: your full attention. Surely the pay-off, however — a greater sense of control and well-being – is worth it.

What have you found works for you in managing your relationship with social media?

Most people will take a casual approach and flit through the season’s festivities, chugging eggnog and scarfing down hors d’oeuvres. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to capitalize on this goldmine of opportunity to connect and bond with the people who could be important catalysts for your career or business.

If there’s anyone who knows how to determine a goal and achieve it, it’s a Navy SEAL. Emulate them and you’ll take your networking to the next level. Here’s how:

1. Identify your target.

A Navy SEAL never goes into a mission playing it by ear – he always has a clear, definable target.

Review the RSVP or guest list (many events have online sign-ups so you can see in advance who’s coming). Pick three people you want to connect with — e.g. someone you know well, someone you’d like to get to know better, etc. If you don’t know who’ll be there, determine what general type of person you’d like to meet (e.g. a potential investor or vendor, etc.) so that your internal radar can be on the alert.

2. Do reconnaissance.

Before a SEAL sets off on a mission he goes through extensive preparation. He gathers as much intel on his target and the surrounding environment as possible, and anticipates various scenarios that could play out.

You need to do the same. Before each event, take time (even just 15 minutes) to prepare your plan of attack. Review your targets’ activities on social media like Linkedin or Twitter (use an app like Prepwork.com) and take a look at their website for relevant blog posts or press mentions.

3. Lock and load.

Though it literally means to prepare your weapon, “lock and load” also represents a state of mind: SEALs never know when they’ll be called into action – they have to be ready to perform at a moment’s notice. And they spend an inordinate amount of time training to be ready.

For you too, opportunities will come in unexpected situations without advance notice – maybe riding up in the elevator to the event with a senior executive at your company or waiting at the coatcheck. You need to be ready to give your elevator pitch or describe the highlights of your latest project without hesitation. So, no winging it: Practice speaking in front of a mirror or, even better, with a video camera until you project absolute confidence and authority.

4. Observe and orient.

These are the first two steps of the OODA loop, a mental model used in the military for rapid, on-the-fly planning and decision-making.

Before he can make a decision and take action, the Navy SEAL needs to use all his senses – as well as his gut intuition – to observe and discern subtle clues in his environment, and then process and analyze the information.

What about you — are you in a breathless rush, finishing a call on your cell even as you walk into an event? That approach will ensure that you’re off balance, in reactive mode. Instead, take 30 seconds to pause outside, orient yourself and scan the room (for your potential targets, natch).

Then, focus on being present. If you’re constantly distracted, texting or checking email, you might very well miss some subtle but important clues: that quick exchange between the managing director and your rival colleague, for example, or your client’s uncomfortable body language when you ask about their new president.

5. Override the fight-or-flight response.

Come on, you think Navy SEALs don’t experience fear when jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet into enemy territory? The difference is, they’re not stopped by it.

So stop hiding by the dessert table – feel nervous about approaching the big-name investor or managing director, and do it anyway.

6. Do a debrief.

After a mission, SEALs make sure everything they noticed and learned has been evaluated and shared with the right people.

Likewise, you should aim to do a recap after every event: take note of who you met, what salient information you learned about them (personal as well as professional), the potential biz opportunities, and how you’ll follow-up.

Okay, you’re now armed with tactics — put them into play and you’ll be dangerous. Let me know how it goes in the comments!

IN THE MOMENT

1.Recognize the signs of the “fight-or-flight” response.

Heart pounding, stomach turning, palms sweating: these are signs that the part of your brain that is on the lookout for threats to your survival (your amygdala) has been activated. The amygdala, however, is the reactive, not rational part of your brain, and is quick to set off false alarms about your life being in danger.  In fact, it might very well interpret shallow breathing – which often happens when we feel insulted, angry or upset but your life is far from endangerment — as a threat.

Step 1: Assure your brain that survival is not at stake — take a deep breath.

2.Use your body to ground you in the present.

When your boss says “I need to speak to you later,” immediately, your mind starts racing – into the past (“Is he upset about me putting him on the spot in yesterday’s meeting?”), or the future (“Am I being taken off the project?”). Neither is helpful. What you need to do is get out of your head and back into the present moment. Your body can help you do that.

Step 2: Feel your feet on the ground, your arms on your desk, your butt in the chair.

3. Hit the pause button.

When are your emotions most likely to get you in trouble: when you’re talking or not talking? Often, people start talking because they’re uncomfortable with silence, not because it will help the situation. When someone is making provocative comments or needling you, they’re looking for a reaction. They need you to push back — if you stay neutral and don’t react, there’s nothing for them to attack. Remember, you can always say more, but you can’t take back what’s already been said.

Step 3: Learn to sit with the silence. Give yourself 10 seconds (at least) to let your rational brain kick in.

4. Check your crystal ball.

Before you start talking, do a quick peek into the future. If you lose control and tell this person what you really think, how will they respond? Will it escalate or diffuse the situation? Is the instant gratification of giving them a piece of your mind worth the potential long-term damage to the relationship?

Step 4: Ask yourself: What do I really want — to be right or to get a certain result?

Review and Recap

When you have some distance and are feeling calmer, take a moment to reflect and ask: “What was going on there? Why did I get so angry?” See if you can identify the exact trigger: “I lose it when my boss gives me that patronizing smirk. I feel like he thinks I’m incompetent.”  And by drilling down — is there any evidence that he does think you’re incompetent? — you can understand what your beliefs about the situation are and why it  triggers a feeling of powerlessness or frustration, for example.

When it comes to mastering your emotions, there are no shortcuts. With practice, however (just like anything), it gets easier and more familiar.

Ah, the holiday season. That time of year when we experience those delightful emotional extremes — from the joy and exhilaration of spending time with people we care about to the discomfort of performance reviews and dinner with difficult in-laws.

Even if, on balance, you enjoy the holidays, when your emotions start running the show, the rollercoaster ride between the highs and lows can feel incredibly stressful and uncomfortable.

WE HAVE A CHOICE

When the doctor hits the patella of your knee with that little hammer, your leg jerks up – you can’t help it, it’s a natural reflex. Though it sometimes feels the same with our emotions, it’s not. True, we can’t control the specific emotion that wells up in a particular situation, but we can make a choice as to what we do next and how we respond.

As with any new habit or skill, however, it takes awareness and practice to become the master of your emotions. (What, you were expecting a quick fix? ;-) You’re in luck, however: I’ve put together a step-by-step training plan that lays out exactly what and how to practice.

Here we go:

THE TRAINING ROUTINE: PREPARATION

1. Have a morning practice.

Just as pilots check their flight plan, set the controls and evaluate the instrument panel in readying for take-off, you too will benefit from preparing yourself for the day ahead. Whatever you do — meditate, take a walk, do yoga, read a motivational book or write in your journal – investing the time (even 15 minutes is beneficial) to quiet your mind and plug into your inner energy source will give you a sense of perspective, help you regain your equilibrium and allow you to stay grounded as you move through the chaos of the day.

And don’t even think about making the “I don’t have time” excuse. That’s like saying “I don’t have time to find my car keys so I’m going to walk to work.” You always have time to set yourself up for success.

Like the Dalai Lama says: “We all know that on days when we are in a good mood, when the whole world seems to be smiling at us, we can accept predicaments or bad news more easily than if our mind is already upset, frustrated or troubled, when the slightest incident might cause us to explode with negative emotions.”

2. Identify your triggers.

This is not your first Christmas dinner with your extended family. And, most likely it’s not the first time a colleague has lost his temper or you’ve gotten critical feedback from a boss or colleague. Though we may feel ambushed, there are recurring scenarios where we can anticipate potential friction and think through how we typically react.

So, start a running list of those situations that tend to stir up negative emotion – you know, the juicy stuff like anger, resentment, insecurity, guilt. Now you can strategize what you’ll do or say in the heat of the moment when it may be difficult to think clearly.

3. Visualize and practice.

So you’re at the annual holiday party, and your obnoxious colleague – who gets even more obnoxious when he’s drinking — starts bragging about how much his bonus was. Imagine how you’ll respond when he needles you about yours and insinuates that his was much higher. Imagine the various ways that scenario could play out and how you’d handle them (I’m thinking one of them could involve a suave James Bond impression).

(Don’t worry that imagining a scenario will make it more likely to happen. Actually the opposite is true – simply envisioning a solution may make the problem moot.)

Then, as much as possible, look for opportunities to simulate what you feel in those emotionally charged situations – to practice or rehearse when the stakes are low and your emotional reactions won’t be as costly.

For example, if you’re uncomfortable with confrontation or rejection, practice returning an item to a store or asking for a refund. If you’re worried about losing your composure during your performance review, practice receiving criticism from a friend or trusted colleague.

Forward-thinking and preparation are critical to navigating emotional minefields and not losing your cool in the moment.

Let me know in the comments how it goes! I’ll be back in five days with Part II, a step-by-step plan for how to handle your emotions in the heat of the moment and the post-mortem.

P.S. Psst, I’ve got my own holiday sale going on. As a loyal reader of my blog, you can use discount code HOLIDAY to get 50% off the Mental Toughness Summit recordings from 2012 and 2011 featuring exclusive interviews with Paralympians, neuroscientists, sports and performance psychologists, Navy SEALs and world-class performing artists: now only $47. Get them here.

ON THE ONE HAND

There’s so much that’s good about social media: It updates us on the lives of people that we care about but might otherwise not keep in close touch with, creates community and provides an easy forum for self-expression. In the aftermath of hurricanes and other disasters, it’s heartening to see the important role that social media plays in connecting people in need with those who can and want to help.

At the same time, this endless stream of communication brings constant reminders of what other people are doing which, in turn, highlights all the things that we aren’t doing. Which, as psychology professor and author of Predictably Irrational Dan Ariely points out, is making us increasingly afraid that we’ve made the wrong decision about how to spend our time.

THE GRASS IS GREENER

Thinking that everyone else’s lives are better and more interesting – the “grass is greener” syndrome — is nothing new, of course. But it’s become even easier to see what everyone else is doing (or at least says they are) and it’s exacerbating our fear of missing out (FOMO).

“Platforms for social comparisons, such as Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter,” says psychologist Dr Rebecca McGuire-Snieckus, “make it more apparent to people what they aren’t achieving, doing or having. An awareness of these alternatives causes inherent dissatisfaction because you could have equally attractive paths, and when you select one you could feel regret over the one you didn’t choose. It results in dissatisfaction, indecisiveness and, ultimately, debilitation.”

Here’s what’s happening: Everytime we experience FOMO, or envy, for that matter, the primitive (and not terribly rational) part of our brain interprets that as a threat to our survival. That sets off the fight-or-flight response, triggering the release of stress hormones. Basically, your body reacts to a friend’s status update about how awesome the party was as if it were the proverbial saber-toothed tiger. When it’s happening hundreds of times a day, that’s a problem.

TAKE YOUR POWER BACK

There’s no getting around it: we need to take a more conscious approach to managing our relationship with others on social media, as well as our perceptions. Here are a few suggestions on how to do that:

1. Control your access to social media. Easier said than done, I know. But being alerted to updates as they happen will keep you in reactive mode, distracted and off balance. Realize that the feeling of missing out only happens when you actually find out about what you “missed.” Whether it’s turning off alerts or limiting the number of times you check Facebook (I deliberately decided not to put the FB app on my phone), establish your own personal rules and boundaries — they won’t happen otherwise.

2. Curate your feed. For better or worse, information is brain food. You wouldn’t let just anyone stick food in your mouth, would you? Then don’t allow the mental equivalent. Most social media platforms allow you to create lists or filter the information you see. Start to notice whose posts consistently set off your fight-or-flight response (check your body for reactions like tense shoulders, shallow breathing, excessive eye-rolling) and screen accordingly.

3. Manage your perspective. Dan Gilbert, Harvard psychologist and happiness researcher, explains how we’re affected by something called impact bias – that we tend to overestimate how much we will benefit emotionally from a particular event. Our imagination is not an accurate predictor of what actually makes us happy. What’s more, if we opt for a peaceful night at home with a juicy novel and then later see a friend’s status update about how fun the party was (the one we opted to skip), we hone right in on the feeling of missing out – conveniently glossing over how miserable we actually would have been, surrounded by noisy crowds and deafening music.

4. Resist comparing your insides with other’s outsides. This is critical to maintaining your equilibrium in the world of social media. Scrolling through your feed, it’s easy to get the sinking feeling that everyone else (and their cat) is living more exciting lives than you are. Remind yourself that you don’t have the whole story (there are no truth-in-advertising laws in effect on social media). Resist the urge to let your insecurities embellish and exaggerate, and stick to the facts – i.e. “Jane got engaged” not “Why is everyone getting engaged except me?”

Social media is a double-edged sword. With a little forethought and self-awareness, however, you can stay on its good side.

What’s working for you?